So for those of you who don't know me, my name is Amanda I am a 26year old who feels like life just isn't fair. I love my life sometimes however recently I have been struggling with finding my place in this world, or family for that matter. To some of you I may sound like a spoiled brat to others you may seem that is exactly how I feel. So here it goes the frustration that started it all...Approx 9 months when someone was added into our life. At first I didn't think this person would be around that long, boy was I wrong. Life seems to do that sometimes, have you ever noticed it goes the exact opposite way you actually want it to go! Before I go further I should note I was raised as the only girl, the baby of the family. The story I am telling changes that, and for some reason I seem to have a little more compassion towards "the middle" child. For those of you who don't know somebody smart or dumb, went out and created a middle child syndrome, funny the things people will come up with, however i found this one article and it is exactly how I feel now. If you would like to check it out you can do so by clicking on the link. ( http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/148900/the_effects_of_middle_child_syndrome.html )
The article mentions feeling like you have to walk the extra mile in order to get attention or even a remorse of feeling appreciated. I have felt like that not only in the last 9 months but also my whole life. For example I was the "perfect" child, i got A's and B's, I was a good cheerleader, I was vice president of the Christians on Campus, leader in youth group at church, member of the choir at church and school, I did plays in theater. I did so much to feel accepted. On top of that I was the first person ever in my family to attend a 4 year university right out of college, eventually my brother went from a junior to a 4 year as well and when I graduated I did not even get a congrats, or here have some money to start your career, as a matter of fact my parents didn't even know that I actually finished. But my brother, he got a party, a paid trip to go back packing in Europe my grandparents gave him money. Also currently I am in grad school and getting my credential and I can't get any help or support (even prayers) without a why should I, or I don't have time. If my brother needed something they would be all over it. Also for the longest time I have been praying and loving my brother no matter what and all I seem to get from him his put down, how emotional I am, or how much of a brat I am. Or since I love Jesus I am his worst enemy because I make him feel like I am judging him when he drinks or parties. (I believe it is okay to drink but I don't believe its okay to get drunk). Example in July of this year I hit rock bottom and wanted to kill myself so i tried to drive off a cliff and well my tires got stuck in sand and well I didn't kill myself obviously(I believe God saved me) and my brother says next time just keep going. How shity would that make you feel?
So on top of all this a young girl comes into our family because she decided she didn't like her family and is not humble enough to say she was wrong for socking her dad in the face. So my mom being who she is takes in this young girl, and instantly this girl just uses my mom for all she is worth. Even to the point where they want to change her last name so it is our family name. This girl who is 18 has free room and bored, free gas, free school, got 2,000 worth of clothes, a flat screen because she wanted a new TV (hers worked fine), a car because God forbid she learns to ask friends for a ride, and 1,000 in makeup. To top that off Garrick now informs me how wonderful this young girl is, and how he wishes I was like her, and my sister in law and her are being buddy buddy. Did I mention that my mom is a Christian? However it is okay and so cute for this young girl to go to parties where they wear anything but clothes and poses for pictures with my dad. I don't think that's appropriate. At the same time this young girls helps me out with my children. I feel really torn because my self esteem wants to be loved appreciated and feel involved so I just simply go along with whatever they are doing, however the "adult" part wants to roll down my window and flip them all off as I drive away, and go forward with my life.
My feelings have been extremely disappointed recently by an unfulfilled promise of many from my parents. My husband and I just purchased a house and because of the economy you can no longer get a second and we needed to borrow money to have a 3.5% down payment (which is not much) at that time my parents had the money and said they would help us, and when we went to get it they spent it. It is their money so they can do whatever they want with it, at the same time if you tell someone your going to do something you should do it, because it just made me feel even less important.
I don't know what to think or really feel, currently I am with the window theory, and flipping them off as I drive away, disconnecting ties all together.
If you are at the bottom of this thank you for reading about my frustrations and child likeness. Comments and opinion are welcome even if they suck... Until next time I must leave....
